yours truly, allison grace

As I get older I am learning more and more about the way I think, the way I feel, and how the two of those join forces to determine the way I behave. I do something called counterfactual-izing, which means that in many situations I will choose the option or belief that has the least amount of evidence. Example: a person who is counterfactual-izing might tell you that the American flag is red, white, and purple despite all the evidence that the flag is red, white, and blue. In my particular situation, I will believe that I am incapable of making a decision or taking on a responsibility due to feelings of inadequacy despite the evidence that supports my ability to carry out the action. It has only been in the last couple of months that I have seen the tendency I have to counterfactualize things interfering with my life. 

My drive home each day involves the following roads: Demonbruen, I-65S, Old Hickory Blvd., and Edmondson Pike. Most days it takes me 30 minutes to traverse this path, and I typically use this time to practice a little self care. I will listen to my favorite band (Bright Eyes), I will call my friend Andrea, or I will simply ride in silence while I process through and “dump” all the events of the day. Wednesday of this week, however, was a little different. I was consumed with details and the implications of the conversation I had with my supervisor on the way out the door. While I won’t go into too much detail, the topic of the conversation was “change is coming for your job”. Not in a threatening ‘here’s-your-pink-slip” sort of way, but in a “buckle-your-seat-belt” sort of way. 

From the beginning of Demonbruen onto I-65, I was experiencing many of my typical counterfactualizing indicators: increased heart rate, analytical thinking, and an overall sense of nervousness. I had just merged onto OHB from I-65 when I asked myself the question, “Why am I so upset about this?” and, almost instantaneously, the answer came to me: “I am comfortable with the way things are.” Like a wave crashing into the shore, I was overwhelmed by emotion. My mind raced back to the prayer I prayed, along with a hundred other brothers and sisters I have in Christ, at the conclusion of our time together on Sunday. While I don’t recall the prayer word for word, the jist was “Lord, disturb us; disturb me. Take us out of everything that would keep us from experiencing the depth of revival.” 

The feelings of anxiety, of worry, and of distress that I was experiencing were wholly due to my concern for losing the firm grip I had on my comfortable life. With discussion of new and progressive responsibilities I could take on, I saw the easy and manageable system I had developed for myself slipping away. And, in that cliché moment of “putting 2 and 2 together”, I understood that God answered my prayer. I asked that He would make me uncomfortable so that revival could start around me. 

Ezra chapter 1 begins the story of God’s people being released from Babylonian captivity by King Cyrus. The king made a proclamation that they were free to leave and return to Jerusalem where they could worship at the temple of God. But thousands upon thousands of them chose to stay in Babylon because, during their captivity, they had become comfortable with the quality of life they were experiencing. Those of us who are thousands of years removed from this event and have never experienced captivity of this sort in our personal lives possess little ability to reconcile this concept in our minds. Why would you stay? 

But don’t we do this every day? Doesn’t the power and the blood of Christ free us from things every day, yet we continue to dwell in a place of comfort? God has healed us of a life threatening illness, but we are not proclaiming His power to the masses? God given food for us to eat when we could not provide for ourselves, yet we gorge at the table and invite no one else to the meal? We are saved from an eternity of damnation, yet we remain silent?

 I do not know what will happen in my life over the next few months… I don’t know what will happen in my life tomorrow. But, today I choose to pass by the opportunity to be filled with fear and elect to be filled with hope that God is moving in and around me for the betterment of His Kingdom.